When it’s not ok.
There are days you remember as a parent - milestone days when your children learn to walk and talk…learn to ride a bike. We dream of our children growing into amazing adults and living their lives, happy and whole. For us, our dreams for our children have been simple, we want them to follow hard after Jesus and we want them to be kind and loving. We hope they serve others and make effort to see those who are on the fringes. We have always prided ourselves on being those who would be a refuge and a comforting port in the storm. Prided - did you catch that word? We had prided ourselves on what we could provide others….our intentions were true and they meant well but what we didn’t yet understand is that this intent was misguided. So what happens when that pride….and intention is turned inside out? What happens when the story you intend to be all resolved with a great ending turns out all wrong….Where is God in that? When you are doing your absolute best to do what you feel called to do…what you have prayed and prayed over it and given it all over to Jesus. What happens when that is all met with hardship and turmoil? What if you still have unanswered questions and you’re still waiting to see the final outcome…..
This is exactly where found ourselves in December of 2020..most people were still in the alternate reality of Covid and all the things that went along with the pandemic, total lockdown and all of those crazy details. For our family, Covid was just an another thing on an already full plate of hard things. My mother was hospitalized for the millionth time for complications with a broken hip and infection. She was living with us and we were caring for her which had become challenging in the midst of caring for all of our children all of whom had significant needs. One of our sons…our youngest, was struggling more intensely than the others. His needs had always been high and the complexities around his challenges were something that we spent a tremendous amount of time trying to figure out. Things came to a sort of cross roads in December when it became clear that it was no longer safe to have him at home with our other children who were vulnerable. For our son, we knew he was unable to keep himself safe and others as he battled what we couldn’t see or even understand. This place we arrived at was a place no parent wants to ever come close to. As an adoptive parent the words given at our adoption ceremonies “Your child will now have all the rights and privileges - just as if they were born to you”, those words are echoing in your mind as you wrestle with the fact that your child, whom you love and for whom you have fought endlessly for is now not able to remain under your roof because its become too unsafe…..for us, it felt like failure and heartbreak. It was terrifying to feel as if we had begun a step over the line of what was rational. This place we had come to was one we danced around for the last year and a half and swore we would never get to. We had an incredible team for our son, they knew him well. They had been there for us through every hard moment. They advocated for us to continue to support our son at home because that was our greatest wish. Now the day had come that we had to come to grips with the truth that our son needed more support than we could give. The process of this truth was long…in Oregon when you have a child with Mental Health challenges there are very few resources to help them. You start adding supports and resources and you slowly climb the invisible ladder of support until you realize you run out of rungs in the ladder. It’s all made more complicated when your child, who struggles with Mental health, also lands in the Developmentally delayed category (that is a whole other story for another time!) To be dual diagnosed in such giant categories means your child is now placed in a tug of war of “not it’s” by the big players of organizations that are supposed to help. We learned all about day treatment vs residential care treatment, voluntary foster care placement and group home placement. We tried to gain entry to so many programs hoping to find a good fit for our son to have a chance at learning to cope with his very big feelings and challenges that came as a result of his prenatal exposure, mental illness and developmental delays. None of this was his fault. None of this was our fault. It just was.
It just was. So where was God? Where was the great epic overcomer ending to this struggle…..now is where I tell you God saved the day and our little guy was healed or that he was able to reach a place of amazing calm and we lived happily ever after…right?
Wrong.
We stayed in the ED for two weeks in a safe room that was the size of a tiny bedroom or maybe a large walk in closet. We waited day in and day out inside of said ED with all manner of people. Traveling back and forth from our home to the Ortho department to visit my mother who still battled a raging infection and hospital dementia back to the ED to be with our son who was coming apart at the seams. It was excruciating and horrible and scary and exhausting. I remember crying out to God for peace in the midst and I remember feeling angry that we had to endure this…..it was the hardest season in so many ways. Thing is, was God was there. He wasn’t ignoring us. He wasn’t even being distant. He was working. I didn’t understand it at that time but as I sat in that ED and prayed I learned the most powerful thing. The thing that has remained at the forefront of my life from then to now and will forever be an anchor. God used this time to remind me of something He has shared with me years prior. He reminded me of a passage from scripture that was kind of a life passage for me and for our family. A simple childhood verse that always brought comfort. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. He was at work, He was taking us where we didn’t want to go but He was there too…He wanted to shine His light brighter in darker places. It’s true, He could have done it without us - He doesn’t need us to shine His light but He uses us anyways. We were in that ED with our son for what seemed like an eternity but then there was a bed found in the one program who agreed to take him. We agreed to accept the placement at a local residential program which happened to be the highest level of care for children in Oregon. Wow….some parents get the note of high achievements their children make in sports and academics! For us we got to relish in the glory of meeting the criteria for a lockdown residential program for children.
The day our son left for treatment was the hardest day we can remember. We could not go with him due to covid protocol. We placed him in the back of a retired police car where he screamed and fought…we tried to reassure and comfort but in the end he was taken and we were left sobbing and broken, questioning everything about our decision. I share these details not to be dramatic or to invite opinions but in hopes of sharing this part of the story when things are NOT ok. Our son remained in residential treatment for over 7 months. We visited as much as possible and we learned a LOT. A lot about what not to do, and what we should do. We learned a lot of things about what the system we have in place here in Oregon can and can’t do. However, the thing I think we learned the most was how to bring joy and prayer into some of the darkest places. These programs where children go…..they are full of stories. Children impacted by unimaginable things. A large number the children there are from the foster care system. We felt so humbled by the opportunity to see into this dark place where we could offer smiles and laughter and prayer when we were able. The staff and therapy team there - they do incredible work. They do their best with little to no resources. Some of them are great providers and some of them are burnt out but all of them are there because they want to give these children and families a chance. Our time there was marked by grief for sure, but it was also helping for our family in many ways. We learned new ways to interact and we learned how to be stronger and better equipped to help our son navigate the world. Our son returned home to us and we were both overjoyed and hesitant. You see it wasn’t all better, it was not the epic ending to a movie that we love to watch over and over. His return home prompted more work, more understanding of the system and its lack to provide lasting solutions. God has used this time to strengthen us and equip us for what life would become next. Our children have been impacted both by his absence and by what they saw when they visited and interacted with the children and staff at the facility. This has marked us forever. It’s inspired a new depth to our ministry in the ruins. We feel more established in our heart, to work and live in the hard places and be a part of the work God is doing in the lives of families like ours.
